There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Sound depressing?
That’s how it feels to be someone who suffers from depression.
Like a staircase that only gets darker with every step, depression feels like an upward battle that exhausts and depletes.
You can run, you can even climb, but you can’t hide from depression.
Depression pulls you down.
It sucks the life out of you.
It hides the light from you.
Hiding from depression is like trying to hide from the dark.
Darkness envelops you. There is nowhere to hide.
It’s the feeling of being trapped.
It’s the barrage of thoughts that, no matter how many you have, they can never get you unstuck.
The more thoughts you have, the more likely it is for those seeds of doubt and despair to creep in and cement false thoughts into the foundation of your identity.
“I’m nobody.” “Work is boring.” “I’m pathetic.” “Is it my fault?” “I can’t do this.” “What’s wrong with me?” “What’s the point?”
Scientifically, black is not a color. Black is the absence of all colors. But if you take a crayon and write black onto a blank page—the reason why it’s black is it has taken all other colors—blue, green, red, yellow, orange—and absorbed these into itself to create what we call “black.”
Depression, like a black crayon, is the color of a sickness that absorbs all of life into nothingness.
Everything that was once beautiful and meaningful becomes absent of beauty and meaning.
Life fades to black.
Oddly, black and red are my two favorite colors. But when it comes to mental health, I dread black because it represents hopelessness and helplessness.
It is entrapment.
It is the color of my depression.
And it manifests itself in ways that disrupt all that is good, true, and beautiful from the God who gave me this life.
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence”—The Sound of Silence by Paul Simon
I realize that I’ve been speaking mostly in metaphors and generalities to describe what it feels like to suffer from depression. I started out this way to be more comforting to fellow sufferers and hope you know that you’re not alone in the darkness. But to be more helpful for those unfamiliar with how depression might affect a person, I’ll give some specifics.
1. Depression Distorts My Perspective
My view of myself, others, and the world around me is changed. It’s a black plague that makes me feel unworthy, guilty, or useless and these feelings about myself have a ripple effect everywhere else.
I may not believe others will care for me. I might believe the lie that no one else knows what this feels like.
Someone who suffers from depression needs to be reminded of other perspectives. Practically, getting outside for a walk or doing something fun can develop a perspective shift that gives some relief, but what I have found to be most valuable above all other advice is the reality shift that I’m given through the preached gospel. My identity, worth, and usefulness is not defined by my depression but it’s located, defined, and found in Christ. (Sorry, the preacher in me had to say this. I won’t do this for the other ones.)
2. Depression is a Killjoy
It’s not uncommon for those who suffer from depression to lose interest in things, activities, or even people they once found interest in.
Something that used to bring you satisfaction or an overall sense of enjoyment no longer has the same affect on you. It has killed your ability to enjoy.
3. Depression Makes Me Feel Tired and Affects My Sleep
At least for me, no amount of adequate rest makes me feel rested. I wake up, even after 8 hours, and I still feel tired. I drink several cups of coffee to exit the fog, but as the day progresses I remain zapped of the energy I know I once had. If I were to nap mid-day, I’d still wake up tired and not feel refreshed.
Others who suffer from depression might have the opposite problem. (And at times, I have experienced this too.) The dreaded insomnia comes your way and no matter what you do, you just can’t get adequate sleep. So anxiety builds, and on top of depression you have to deal with her ugly sister. We’ll talk more about her next.
4. Depression Has an Ugly Sister
Her name, as I mentioned in #3, is Anxiety. Sometimes people who have depression also suffer from anxiety. Yay. Isn’t that just great?
Come on into my body and mind, and why not invite the whole family?
There is no linear path here on this one, at least for me. I can go long stretches without experiencing a panic attack or having general anxiety, and then KNOCK, KNOCK. She comes knocking on my mental door.
And at other times, I’ve experienced anxiety and depression simultaneously.
I guess my point here is just know that a depressed person isn’t always going to be the type of person to stay in bed all day. That’s not an accurate view of depression.
A person who is depressed, hasn’t been sleeping much, and is feeling super anxious could swing the other way and be all kinds of busy, feel on edge, and be stressed out.
5. Depression Can Make My Body Change
Ever since I (involuntarily) joined club mental health, I’ve experienced some fairly sizable bodyweight fluctuations. I’ve gone down from 195lbs to 165lbs by choice (diet and exercise), and then back up to 185lbs in a matter of weeks not by choice. I get super hungry and will tend to overeat. And even when I’m very self-controlled, the reality is that I take an anti-depressant that may or may not (says the label) cause excessive weight gain. So there’s that. It just means I have to be very disciplined with working out and walking a lot for mental and physical well-being.
Others have been known to lose their appetites when they are depressed, and so they lose excessive weight.
6. Depression Can Make Me Want to Die
This one was the most difficult to write, but I write it down because it’s true. Depression can lead a person to have thoughts of suicide, plan a suicide, or make attempts. This is why it’s so important to tell someone you trust if you are having suicidal thoughts and to get help immediately.
If you are having thoughts of suicide or have made attempts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). You can find a list of additional resources at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources.
Concluding Thoughts
If you were wondering, this is what it feels like to suffer from depression.
If you would like to learn more about what you can do if you suffer from depression, or if you know someone who suffers from depression or another mental health condition, please read the following article for more resources and get some help.
-Give Us This Day Our Daily Pill
Ultimately I believe and confess that only a Light, not from within, but from without, can hide us from our darkness. I know that my God has created both darkness and light, and he is with me no matter where I find myself stumbling and falling on what sometimes feels like the staircase out of Sheol.
With the Psalmist, I can pray:
“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. —Psalm 139:11-12
