The Most Overlooked Reason Why Millennials (& Gen Z) Have Left the Church

We were talking with a friend last night after dinner, and it struck me like a brick hitting Marv in the head in Home Alone 2.

Millennials and Gen Z never left the church.

Millennials and Gen Z were never part of the church in the first place.

This is the most overlooked reason in all of our talk of why millennials have left church and how is it that we can get Gen Z to go to church.

We have to dig into this reason if we’re ever going to uncover real reasons in reaching unreached people, and if we’re ever going to undo the damage that has been done.

So let’s do that.

Defining Terms

When I say Millennial, per Pew Research I’m referring to anyone born between 1981 and 1996. Yes, a lot of these people have children now and are not teenagers. No, these are not the youth of the nation anymore. Yes, we are America's workforce now and are in effect today’s boomers of yesterday.

When I say Gen Z, I’m referring to anyone born after 1997. These are 15-27 year olds now. I can’t even believe that Gen Z has grown up. My nieces are in this generation and it’s crazy to me. A baby I once held as a college student is now #adulting. Unreal.

Diving into the Reason

I’m a Millennial. And I grew up in church. So you might be wondering, how is it that I can be saying that Millennials were never part of the church. Isn’t that a contradiction?

No it’s not and here’s why.

When I was brought to church by my parents or with my parents, or whenever I was dropped off at some youth gathering, I was never part of the church.

In last night’s discussion as we were reminiscing on our pasts, our friend reminded me of something I had long forgotten. As kids we would refer to church as “Big Church.”

Ice cream socials, pizza parties, and sleepovers at the church happened. Trips to theme parks may have happened. Lots of activities happened. And while Big Church was going on, we were sequestered in our own youth rooms of small, medium, and gigantic sizes hearing different messages (often about not having sex, or the end times/rapture, or watching funny videos, or something).

As I thought about it last night, and into this morning I realized that an entire generation of kids that grew up going to church were never included into the family of God throughout their church attendance. After Youth Group ended, we all grew up. Many of my peers who grew up with parents who attended church did not continue to go to church. A small few may have found something like Cru or Intervarsity in college, or maybe a college ministry to attend. But the many never returned.

What I’ve said so far is anecdotal. This is my experience, and it’s personal and it doesn’t speak for everyone by any means. But it is a trend, or a pattern that I have encountered often when speaking with Millennials who have deconstructed their faith and no longer attend church.

And this general trend has caught my attention to see something larger at play.

The Big Picture About Big Church

According to a survey conducted in 2021, with each successive generation we’ve had declining church attendance.

What this graph doesn’t highlight very well is that with each of these generations, it isn’t the kids who choose to go to church less frequently. It’s the parents of each generation who are choosing to do other things besides attend church. And with each passing generation, the next generation of parents goes to church just a little bit less.

What I’m trying to point out here is that the fault and the blame isn’t on the Millennials and Gen Z for not going to church anymore. Typically this is how the news articles and the blogs and such paint it. Something like:

Bad Millennials. Bad Gen Z. You are destroying Christianity! Bunch of snowflakes and pansies. God help us all!

And the fear builds, and the freaking out and yada yada.

But the real blame is on our approach to doing church generally. The blame is on each generation of parents in our parenting.

What happens when we train up an entire generation separate from Big Church? What happens when our children never experience what it’s like to belong to the family?

Well, they do exactly what they were trained to do: they don’t go to church because they’ve never been to church.

Before we act surprised at the recent data, we have to take responsibility for our actions. If we don’t view an entire generation as part of our church family in the first place, then we can’t act surprised when they don’t want to be in the family.

It’s our fault.

This is on churches.

This is on parents.

But if you’re Gen Z or a Millennial like me, we can’t just put the blame on our parents and act like it’s all good. If we do that, then we will continue the downward trend for our own children, and our children’s children. We can’t do this because now it’s on us.

We are occupying the leadership positions now. We are parents now. It’s the Millennials and the Gen Z’s who are taking up leadership roles in churches and who are having and who are raising children who need to begin including children in gathered worship spaces and who will need to send a clear message that includes our children in the family of God.

This is the way if we’re ever going to change the trajectory and alter the course of history.

Now do you see what I mean when I say Millennials and Gen Z never left the church because they were never part of the church?

Separating children for decades from the word and sacraments will ultimately create apostates and agnostics of us all. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” and in general we’ve taken the position of keeping them at arms length away from Jesus and his words of life. And when we exclude an entire generation from our gathered church family, we exclude them from the table. So we can’t act surprised when they don’t show up to dinner once they’re older. It makes sense.

So there it is. That’s the most overlooked reason why Millennials and Gen Z have left the church.

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If there’s enough interest on this topic I’ll write a follow up post to this one outlining some practical ways churches and parents can begin to include children and send a clear message that the next generation is our church family.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Pill

A few years ago I was initiated into a club that I never thought I’d be a part of. And no, it’s not the Breakfast Club. (I wish!)

This club is made up of one in four Americans, who like me, experience regular appointments with psychiatrists, therapists, LCSW’s, mentors, and who might have a whole list of prescribed cocktails to get our bodies back into good health.

Welcome to Club Mental Health—where we all need a whole lot of empathy, and a buttload of grace!

Jesus taught us in the Lord’s Prayer to “give us this day our daily bread,” recognizing that it is God who provides us with our daily meals even if we get our bread from the baker. Some of us, well, at least 26% of us, have to also ask God to give us this day our daily pill. We pray for relief from anxiety and depression, and God uses means, just like he uses Ralph’s or Von’s bakery for fresh-baked bread, he helps us find relief.

So the same truth about “daily bread” applies in the area of medicine. When we receive a pill from the hand of a doctor, we know that ultimately, it is God who is providing us exactly with what we need for our bodies to work properly and be healthy.

Depression is an illness, it’s not a sin. It requires treatment just like any other sickness.

In this article, I hope to provide some useful guidance for those who currently need to get help, and I hope to provide some words of encouragement for those who know someone with a mental health condition.

How to Get Help for Yourself

*Note: Before I say anything more, this part is really directed at those who are beyond “self-care” treatment. If you’re trying all of the typical things—diet, sleep, exercise, or if you’ve just totally slipped for the past few months and—life happened—and you fell off the bandwagon and are in a really bad spot, then this section is for you. If you are reading this as someone with no personal experience with mental health, then I’d encourage you to still read this but probably pay more attention to the following section.

1. You need to know and be assured that it’s okay to get help.

This is something that’s very hard for Americans—it’s the classic guy who can’t ask for directions sort of thing. We don’t think we need help, so we don’t ask for help. So I’d first say, especially if you’re someone who believes that the message of Christianity is true:

“We can’t help ourselves, God helps those who cannot help themselves.”

As those who profess faith in Jesus Christ, all the more should we be leading by example in this. It’s okay to get help. We know this to be true spiritually, why can’t we embrace this bodily? Recognize that if you need help, you’re not weak. You’re a person. People need help. This is true for spirituality and it’s true for mental health.

2. You need to know that having a mental Illness is not your fault. 

If you’re reading this right now, know “It’s not your fault.”

It’s not your fault, any more than heart disease or diabetes or being diagnosed with cancer is someone’s fault. We don’t blame a person then, so why do we think it’s okay to fault someone with a mental illness or make them feel bad for having a mental health condition? 

3. You need to know that getting help for a mental illness is a lot harder than it looks.

People who mean well, and who catch some signs of depression or anxiety in someone often say, “Get help,” but where does a person actually go to “Get help?”

It’s not as simple as calling 911 when you break your leg. And the other thing is unless a person who has a mental illness has a strong support group (a spouse, a close friend, or a church with caring people and resources), it’s that much harder for a person to figure out how they can even get help.

The mental healthcare system is super confusing. There are lots of terms to learn: psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist, psychotherapist, LMFT, counselor. Which doctor or therapist should I see? How do I even get an appointment? What if the appointment isn’t for one to two months from now when I need help right now? And what if I’m in such a state that I can’t even figure out how to call the right number. And where do I even go? If I go to this provider, is it covered under my insurance?

This gets really confusing for anyone, let alone for a person who has a mental health condition. So the best advice I can give for people, generally speaking, is to try to work with what you have and with who you know. The best place to start is with your healthcare provider and try to stay within your network. This will be the least expensive option, and it should be the simplest option for you.

So for example, I have Kaiser Permanente, and they have a phone number for psychiatric needs. That’s where I start. Because if I go to the ER, they aren’t really going to help me much for what’s going on with my brain—they usually don’t have a psychiatrist on hand in the ER.

4. You need to come up with a Mental Health Action Plan with your family and provider once you’re feeling better.

This doesn’t need to take very long, but it should take place at some point. Speak to your psychiatrist about what to do in a future emergency situation, or an urgent situation. This includes names and phone numbers of people close to you to call for help, it includes action steps, etc. So have this ready before you ever get to a low point again. 

5. You need to continue with follow-up care.

Your life is very precious. You matter. You have been created by the Maker of all things, and he has made you intricately and wonderfully, even if you don’t feel all that intricate or wonderful all the time.

So make sure to schedule a routine appointments with your psychiatrist and/or therapist. It helps to ask a spouse, family member, or a close friend to help you with follow-up care so they can be up to date on your current treatment plan. This is something I’ve learned by experience, but treatment changes from time to time and varies greatly from individual to individual. Those who are caring for you need to know these changes when they occur, because again, you matter.

6. You need to know that it’s probably not a “spiritual” problem.

Far too many people assume mental illness is a “spiritual” problem when in fact it’s something that is happening to the human brain and/or body. 

For example, what sort of thoughts are you thinking about? How are you feeling? How have you been sleeping? What foods have you been eating (food affects mood)? How much regular exercise have you been getting?

It’s harmful to think something is spiritually wrong when physical solutions haven’t even been tried or tested.

7. You need to know that getting help isn’t only to help you, but it also helps others around you.

There’s a reason why the flight attendant tells every parent on an airplane to “Please put on your own mask before you assist your child with a safety mask.” You have to be in good health yourself before you can take care of others.

Now the inverse applies in the area of mental health. If I am not mentally healthy, it affects others around me. So it’s expedient that I take my mental health seriously enough to get help as soon as I need it, so that others aren’t affected greatly. Of course, sometimes we are past the point of return, and we just simply need help. When that happens, others are happy to help. Just know that we are all interconnected.

And yes, if you’re wondering if you are a burden to others around you—you are. And that’s more than okay!

Each one of us is a “burden” to someone else in different ways and during different seasons of time. The apostle Paul says about the church, “If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Corinthians 12:26). And he encourages us to “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). Each of us bring our own set of burdens with us to church, and all of us need encouragement, love, support, and grace. Don’t let your burden of depression, anxiety, or another mental health condition keep you away from church. Instead, find a church family where you can meet Jesus and his people who say to you, as often as you need to hear it:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

What Others Need to Know About Helping Those With Mental Health Conditions

1. People need to know and regularly hear that it’s not their fault.

Way too often I hear people saying statements like, “Oh, she must be a drug addict.” or “He must have smoked pot.” or “There’s definitely substance abuse going on there,” when someone with a mental health condition is being discussed, and what this does is it further casts blame upon the person. A mental health condition is not someone’s fault. Rather, it is part of living in a broken, sin-cursed world where our bodies and minds don’t always work properly. We get sick. Christians believe that all of us are “sick,” which is why we need Jesus, the Great Physician (Doctor) to heal us.

In Good Will Hunting, there’s a segment where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, who was a survivor of sexual abuse, “It’s not your fault.” The same encouragement can and should be repeated to someone who has a mental illness. Let them know and hear that their depression, anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, OCD, panic attacks, or other mental health condition is not their fault.

2. People need to know that the person you know who is struggling is a person, not a patient.

Unless you are that person’s psychiatrist or therapist, they are a person and you need to treat them with full dignity and respect. It also means, try showing them empathy. Be their friend. Spend time with them and show them that you love them and want them to know this.

There’s no better way to do this than by walking with them through their darkest days. I love the song “Walk Me Home” by Pink for that reason. “Walk me home in the dead of night, cause I can’t be alone with all that’s on my mind.” It’s a perfect description of what it means to be with someone who is struggling and battling a mental health condition.

3. People need to know that a person with a mental illness is not clueless or out of touch with reality.

In fact, a huge majority of people in the U.S. who struggle with mental health are silent sufferers. You won’t even know it but a lot of people you know are already on anti-depressants. And they’re functioning just fine. Two-thirds of people with mental illness live normal lives. Some even live highly functioning lives

So when someone you know shares with you that they suffer from depression, don’t assume that they are incapable or lazy or are somehow unproductive. Those are myths, not facts about people with mental health.

4. People need to know that the road to mental health Is a marathon, not a sprint.

Be patient and show lots of grace With those who are suffering from a mental Health Condition. The road from mental illness to mental health is a marathon, not a sprint. People need to have realistic expectations about someone who suffers from depression or anxiety and should be able to demonstrate patience. 

This also means that if you have a timeline on when the person should be getting better, it’s best to just lay that down. Drop the timeline and instead opt to be there for the person no matter how long it takes them to fully recover and be themselves.

5. People need to know more about Mental Health in America.

Educate yourself on mental health, especially if you know the specific mental illness that affects your loved one, family member, or friend.

6. People need to ask, “How would you like to be cared for?”

Ask the person how they would like to be cared for specifically. Treatment plans will vary from person to person, and everyone will have different needs in general and at different times or seasons of their life. So the only way to know for sure is to ask. Get to know the person you are trying to care for better by asking them how you can better care, and then do it.

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Further Reading

If you or your loved one, family member, or friend are living with a mental health condition and you need help, you are not alone in this.

More Articles by Nicholas Davis:

• HELLO DARKNESS, MY OLD FRIEND

• HOPE AND HELP FOR THOSE THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE

Other Websites with Mental Health Resources:

NAMI

MentalHealth.gov