The Most Overlooked Reason Why Millennials (& Gen Z) Have Left the Church

We were talking with a friend last night after dinner, and it struck me like a brick hitting Marv in the head in Home Alone 2.

Millennials and Gen Z never left the church.

Millennials and Gen Z were never part of the church in the first place.

This is the most overlooked reason in all of our talk of why millennials have left church and how is it that we can get Gen Z to go to church.

We have to dig into this reason if we’re ever going to uncover real reasons in reaching unreached people, and if we’re ever going to undo the damage that has been done.

So let’s do that.

Defining Terms

When I say Millennial, per Pew Research I’m referring to anyone born between 1981 and 1996. Yes, a lot of these people have children now and are not teenagers. No, these are not the youth of the nation anymore. Yes, we are America's workforce now and are in effect today’s boomers of yesterday.

When I say Gen Z, I’m referring to anyone born after 1997. These are 15-27 year olds now. I can’t even believe that Gen Z has grown up. My nieces are in this generation and it’s crazy to me. A baby I once held as a college student is now #adulting. Unreal.

Diving into the Reason

I’m a Millennial. And I grew up in church. So you might be wondering, how is it that I can be saying that Millennials were never part of the church. Isn’t that a contradiction?

No it’s not and here’s why.

When I was brought to church by my parents or with my parents, or whenever I was dropped off at some youth gathering, I was never part of the church.

In last night’s discussion as we were reminiscing on our pasts, our friend reminded me of something I had long forgotten. As kids we would refer to church as “Big Church.”

Ice cream socials, pizza parties, and sleepovers at the church happened. Trips to theme parks may have happened. Lots of activities happened. And while Big Church was going on, we were sequestered in our own youth rooms of small, medium, and gigantic sizes hearing different messages (often about not having sex, or the end times/rapture, or watching funny videos, or something).

As I thought about it last night, and into this morning I realized that an entire generation of kids that grew up going to church were never included into the family of God throughout their church attendance. After Youth Group ended, we all grew up. Many of my peers who grew up with parents who attended church did not continue to go to church. A small few may have found something like Cru or Intervarsity in college, or maybe a college ministry to attend. But the many never returned.

What I’ve said so far is anecdotal. This is my experience, and it’s personal and it doesn’t speak for everyone by any means. But it is a trend, or a pattern that I have encountered often when speaking with Millennials who have deconstructed their faith and no longer attend church.

And this general trend has caught my attention to see something larger at play.

The Big Picture About Big Church

According to a survey conducted in 2021, with each successive generation we’ve had declining church attendance.

What this graph doesn’t highlight very well is that with each of these generations, it isn’t the kids who choose to go to church less frequently. It’s the parents of each generation who are choosing to do other things besides attend church. And with each passing generation, the next generation of parents goes to church just a little bit less.

What I’m trying to point out here is that the fault and the blame isn’t on the Millennials and Gen Z for not going to church anymore. Typically this is how the news articles and the blogs and such paint it. Something like:

Bad Millennials. Bad Gen Z. You are destroying Christianity! Bunch of snowflakes and pansies. God help us all!

And the fear builds, and the freaking out and yada yada.

But the real blame is on our approach to doing church generally. The blame is on each generation of parents in our parenting.

What happens when we train up an entire generation separate from Big Church? What happens when our children never experience what it’s like to belong to the family?

Well, they do exactly what they were trained to do: they don’t go to church because they’ve never been to church.

Before we act surprised at the recent data, we have to take responsibility for our actions. If we don’t view an entire generation as part of our church family in the first place, then we can’t act surprised when they don’t want to be in the family.

It’s our fault.

This is on churches.

This is on parents.

But if you’re Gen Z or a Millennial like me, we can’t just put the blame on our parents and act like it’s all good. If we do that, then we will continue the downward trend for our own children, and our children’s children. We can’t do this because now it’s on us.

We are occupying the leadership positions now. We are parents now. It’s the Millennials and the Gen Z’s who are taking up leadership roles in churches and who are having and who are raising children who need to begin including children in gathered worship spaces and who will need to send a clear message that includes our children in the family of God.

This is the way if we’re ever going to change the trajectory and alter the course of history.

Now do you see what I mean when I say Millennials and Gen Z never left the church because they were never part of the church?

Separating children for decades from the word and sacraments will ultimately create apostates and agnostics of us all. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me” and in general we’ve taken the position of keeping them at arms length away from Jesus and his words of life. And when we exclude an entire generation from our gathered church family, we exclude them from the table. So we can’t act surprised when they don’t show up to dinner once they’re older. It makes sense.

So there it is. That’s the most overlooked reason why Millennials and Gen Z have left the church.

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If there’s enough interest on this topic I’ll write a follow up post to this one outlining some practical ways churches and parents can begin to include children and send a clear message that the next generation is our church family.

Why Should We Go to Church?

The church our family has been attending just finished a sermon series called, First Things First, named after that famous quote by the renowned author C.S. Lewis.

The woman who makes a dog the centre of her life loses, in the end, not only her human usefulness and dignity but even the proper pleasure of dog-keeping. The man who makes alcohol his chief good loses not only his job but his palate and all power of enjoying the earlier (and only pleasurable) levels of intoxication. It is a glorious thing to feel for a moment or two that the whole meaning of the universe is summed up in one woman — glorious so long as other duties and pleasures keep tearing you away from her. But clear the decks and so arrange your life (it is sometimes feasible) that you will have nothing to do but contemplate her, and what happens? Of course this law has been discovered before, but it will stand re-discovery. It may be stated as follows: every preference of a small good to a great, or partial good to a total good, involves the loss of the small or partial good for which the sacrifice is made.

Apparently the world is made that way… You can’t get second things by putting them first; you can get second things only by putting first things first.

—C.S. Lewis, “First and Second Things,” God in the Dock

One of the main applications from this short, month long series has been to remind those gathered and those visiting that God calls his people to come to church for his glory and our good. This is an important truth, but it’s also important to understand the why behind this truth.

Have you ever wondered why it is that Christians feel the need to wake up early most Sunday mornings to go to church? Or maybe they don’t need to wake up super early because there is a later service to go to, but they still carve out an hour or two weekly to go to church.

Why do Christians do that?

Why make this sacrifice, giving up time and attention to meet with some invisible diety?

People like to say, “The church is a people, not a place.” But it’s more biblical to say, “The church is a people who gather together in a place.” That place could be in a building, but it could also be in a home or down by the river. Christians throughout history have gathered in all sorts of places—from synagogues to strip malls—but the key thing here is that the church gathers.

Defining The Church

The translation for church used in the Bible is “assembly.” Christians assemble together, or gather together regularly and when they do they are a church. Now, this is where the popular phrase, “The church is a people, not a place,” sounds like it’s right at first because when church is over and people leave the church still exists, it’s not like it appears and then disappears until the next Sunday. So assuming this, someone might say I don’t have to go to church to be a Christian any more than going to Taco Bell makes me a taco (I think it was Justin Bieber who said that once).

To that I would say the church doesn’t stop being a church any more than the Avengers stopped being the Avengers after they fought and defeated Loki in the battle of New York. The Avengers assembled, and they were forever known as the Avengers who protect and save the world. When fat Thor sat on the couch eating chicken wings and drinking beer, he was still an Avenger. Once he gathered together again with the others, he proved he was an Avenger.

Christians go to church regularly because that’s what Christians are called by Jesus to do (Mt 18:20; Acts 2:42-47, 20:7; 1 Cor 14:26; Col 3:16; Heb 10:25). When we gather together, we grow together and we encourage one another.

But church is more than just being with other Christians. It’s encouraging to be around others who can pray for you and who are interested in coming alongside you to help you, but that’s not enough to get me out of bed in the morning on a Sunday.

The Best Part About Going to Church

When Jesus founded his church, he made it all about gathering together in his name to hear from him, pray to him, sing to him, eat a meal together remembering him, and yes, love one another too.

Going to church regularly matters because the church is the only place on this earth where we receive something that we don’t get anywhere else. I go to a coffee shop to get energized, I workout at CrossFit for health reasons, I see my psychiatrist to get prescription medication, I go to the gas station to fill up my empty tank (ouch, that hurts these days), and I go to the movies or stream Netflix to be entertained. All of these places are good for general health, wellness, and they meet different needs and wants that I have, but the only place I can go to hear that my sins have been forgiven by Christ’s life and death for me is by going to church. The church shares a message that is unique and different from everything else.

The world expects me to perform. My parents certainly did growing up. Teachers had expectations too. Fraternity life was also by merit—if you do the work and serve the time you get in. Then you grow up and you’re expected to get a job and work hard. What you put in is what you get out. And then I go to church and I hear a message from the Bible that tells me Jesus performed for me so I don’t have to perform anymore. God accepts me and loves me because Jesus was perfect for me.

I hear this news, and for the first time and second time and thousandth time I’m reminded of grace.

Grace is what makes going to church different from going to Taco Bell, or whatever else. Yeah sure, food is great but you generally have to always pay for it. You don’t pay for grace. Grace is given, it’s not earned.

A Glimpse of Going to Church

When you go to church, the church is God’s embassy of grace. It’s the place where we hear the King address his people offering faith, hope, and love. He clothes us with his good works and he feeds us with his banquet meal (delicious bread and fine wine). It’s a place where people embrace one another as equals, as sinners in need of the same Savior who offers forgiveness in his name. It’s a place where children, women, and men are valued and appreciated for who God has created them to be. As we gather in his presence, we are changed from the inside out.

Now, no church on this earth is perfect. Sometimes we go to church and we hear an insensitive comment. Sometimes we go to church and someone ends up backstabbing us and that really hurts and sucks. We get sinned against, and we sin against others even though we are Christians in this embassy of grace. But this gathering, this assembly, the church is a signpost of the future kingdom that is coming. There are moments when the church is pretty glorious and most of all, when other Christians or when the pastor points us to Jesus—the One who gave up everything for us—church is pretty awesome. Jesus always treats us with respect, love, and he never lets us down.

The Shame of Mental Illness

In titling this blog post, I chose the words “mental illness” instead of “mental health” because that’s how it’s talked about. People with depression, anxiety, PTSD, schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are categorized as the mentally ill. Throw them all in an asylum—not just any asylum but an “insane asylum.” If someone doesn’t say it, they think it. And if you aren’t personally thinking it, then the person who is facing the struggle is thinking that you’re thinking it and so the person struggling is believing it.

Words are powerful. And so words can be harmful.

This is stigma.

And the stigma arises from a silent enemy, the culprit called shame.

Today I want to dive a bit into the shame of mental illness.

I believe that talking about mental illness in honest and healthy ways can lead us down a path toward mental health, treatment, and recovery.

I believe that the worst thing anyone can do is bury, hide, or cover up issues related to mental health. Just as I believe the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship is to bury, hide, or cover up what needs to be known in order for there to be peace and harmony in the relationship—or even reconciliation if need be.

As a Christian, I believe in an old story told very long ago. And this story informs me of some of the deeper dynamics at play surrounding mental illness.

The story goes like this.

A married couple lived in a garden, and they are described as being both naked and unashamed.

But in that garden, they were tempted and they sinned. Once they sinned, they wanted to hide—for fear of being found out. So they covered up their nakedness with fig leaves and they go into hiding. Hearing the sound of the Creator in the garden calling out, “Where are you?” they remain in hiding.

Well in the story, the God who made this couple asks them, “Who told you that you were naked?” (Genesis 3:11). The implication of this question is that their unashamed-ness has now become shamed-ness.

Shame told this couple that they were naked and needed covering up. Shame told this couple to become hush-hush about their sin, and to instead put a blanket over it and press on.

This ancient story has a lot to teach us about how we approach mental illness and journey into the realm of mental health.

We tend to do the same thing that they did when it comes to mental health. We cover up. We hide. We are hush-hush. And people suffer all the more because of it. By evaluating psychology autopsy’s, one study has shown that over 90% of those who have died by suicide had a mental health condition. By not talking about mental health, we encourage people to go it alone and ignore treatment which in turn leads to a greater risk for suicide.

Instead of burying, covering up, or hiding, we need to press into the uncomfortable if we are ever going to experience healing, or help others to experience healing.

Like the age old story, shame tells a person who is facing a mental illness that they are “crazy.” If they ask for help, others might think of them as “weak.” If they share what they are really dealing with, then they might face work discrimination or others might view them as incompetent.

Or maybe there are people who don’t believe the person and for whatever reason they just can’t accept that they’re suffering. This adds to the shame.

If they are a Christian, there might even be a deeper shame associated with a mental illness because the community they are around is telling them to trust God more. “If you take medicine, you’re not really trusting God.” “Have enough faith!” And the shame piles on.

There is a better way for all of us.

We can start to believe the message that it’s okay not to be okay. We can start to have healthier conversations about mental health. And this can lead us to share the burden we carry of our real struggles, our deepest pains, our nursing wounds—and by doing this we can begin to break down the stigma and remove the fig leaf of shame that keeps us away from experiencing healing.

Words are powerful. Let’s use our words to save and enrich lives.

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If you would like to learn more about shame, I highly recommend the work of Curt Thompson. You can read his book, The Soul of Shame, to understand more about shame and how it impacts us and the world around us.

If Someone Killed Themself, Would They Go to Heaven?

*Disclaimer: This article may contain content that is sensitive and could be traumatic or even triggering to a person. Please consider getting help immediately if you or your loved one has had thoughts of inflicting self harm. You’re not alone, and you matter. There is hope and help available.

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“If someone killed themself, would they go to heaven?”

My son asked this question this morning.

He’s ten.

Yup.

He was watching a show on Netflix yesterday called The Extraordinary Woo. This show follows the career of an autistic Korean attorney, and in that episode, a man attempted suicide by hanging himself by the neck.

So now my ten-year-old's wheels are spinning, and he’s trying to make sense of suicide and it’s implications not as an end to this life but he’s wondering what might happen in the life to come.

Since he’s not alone in wondering about this question, I want to offer some encouragement to anyone who has ever lost a loved one to death by suicide. Suicide is not the “unforgivable and unpardonable sin” like we learned at catholic school or in evangelical camps.

People who have misused the Bible to shame others have taught this. The logic is, “since a person is unable to repent because that sin is committed and there’s no opportunity to ask for forgiveness for it, then the person must be damned forever.” How silly is this logic though? For many of us, we are going to die someday without knowing the exact moment of our death. So it’s probable that many of us head into death with numerous unconfessed sins, and if that’s true then God help us all with this silly logic. How many sins are there that we have committed that we aren’t even aware of (theologians call this sins of omission)? How is it possible to repent for a sin that I don’t even know I committed? This reasoning is absurd.

Rationality aside, the Bible does not teach that suicide is an automatic expulsion from the gates of heaven.

So what does the Bible say about suicide?

Let’s take a look.

Some have tried to use Mark 3:20-35 as a proof text for suicide as the “unforgivable sin” of blaspheming the Holy Spirit, but this is just flat-out wrong. The only unforgivable sin Jesus has in mind here is not suicide, but it’s calling the work the Holy Spirit does “satanic” (for example, when the Pharisees try to say Jesus “has a demon” when he just healed a person—that would be pretty unforgivable to done mess that up, A—aron).

In the Bible, suicide is mentioned only six times when six different people die by suicide.

• To avoid an embarrassing death at the hands of a woman, Abimelech dies by forcing his armor-bearer to thrust him with a sword (Judges 9:50-57).

• Taking a bunch of Philistines with him and while offering a prayer to God, Samson pulls the pillars of a house down upon himself and everyone in it (Judges 16:28–30). The mighty King Saul, wounded, doesn’t want to die by wounds from his enemies. So he asks his armor-bearer to kill him as Abimelech did in his story, but the servant refuses to do it. So Saul falls on his own blade and dies (1 Sam. 31:1–6).

• Ahithophel hung himself under a tree (2 Sam. 17:23).

• Zimri ignited a fire around him to die (1 Kings 16:18–19).

• Judas Iscariot bought a field for himself with his murder money (the silver he won for turning in Jesus), and just like Ahithophel, he hung himself (Matt. 27:5; Acts 1:18–20).

In every one of these stories talking about each person dying by suicide, there is never a moral evaluation and determination made about their death by suicide. For Saul, there is plenty of moral evaluation about his wasted life and how he disobeyed God in other ways, but suicide itself is not listed as any reason for his fate and God’s displeasure with his life.

In the absence of anything in these texts, what then does the Bible say about suicide?

We do have God’s prohibition in the sixth commandment, which is a blanket statement about murder and maybe we’ve heard it said like this: “Thou shall not kill.” The commandment is clear: you shall not murder. This commandment forbids taking any person’s life and encourages us to seek and promote life to everyone around us. But of course, with just war theory there are exceptions if you are a soldier in a war and you must fight for your nation. And there’s also self-defense or protecting others around you from harm (which is the greater sin, allowing a person to murder you and several others or taking out the guy about to do it first?). That commandment while true, has a certain kind of flexibility with it in actual practice.

So going back to the topic of suicide, if we apply the sixth commandment to it we do know that murdering yourself (i.e. killing yourself) is a sin before God. We are depriving ourselves of the life that God has given to us, we are not protecting the sanctity of life, and in effect, we are saying that we know better than God when we should live and when we should die. In that way, there’s also a kind of hubris involved in it. So yes, suicide is a sin. But is it the sin above all sins? Is it the sin that separates us from God eternally?

There’s nothing here that would suggest to us biblically that suicide is an unpardonable sin, to a degree that is worse than any other sin that we could commit. What we know from the Bible is that suicide is a sin, just like any other sin like lying, stealing, committing adultery, coveting, and the rest.

I think where people get confused on this topic, it isn’t our misunderstanding of the Bible on this but it’s our misunderstanding of God on this. Fundamentally, we don’t get God. Our problem isn’t biblical, it’s theological. Many of us are convinced that our repentance—the amount of saying I'm sorry to God about x, y, or z, is what justifies us before God and makes us acceptable enough to walk through those golden gates. So if we just say the right thing, throw up enough Hail Marys or whatever, then we’re going to be good with God and get in.

The thing is, that’s all a big lie.

The only way we are ever acceptable before God is through repentance, yes, but there’s something even more important than that part. Turning away from our pet sins that we love so much is a part of it, no doubt, and turning away from trusting in our own way of doing this is a part of it, to be sure. But the most important part of acceptance with God is faith in the person and work of Jesus Christ.

We don’t just turn away from ourselves, but we turn toward God. We don’t just say I’m sorry, God. But we look to the only One who can take away all of our sins—past, present, and future. That kind of forgiveness can only be found in Jesus. It’s not our measure of repentance that seals us into the heavenly kingdom, but it’s the Holy Spirit who seals us for heaven (Ephesians 1:13, 4:30) when we trust in Jesus to take us to be with him forever.

The reason I said earlier that we don’t get God, is that we believe the lie that God is a kind of petty god who takes into account a list of rights and wrongs, and like Santa Clause, he’s just waiting up at the North Pole wondering if we made the naughty or nice list. But the kind of God that the Bible talks about isn’t petty, and he isn’t making a list and checking it twice to find out if we are naughty or nice—but he’s this kind of deity who would do anything to save us from our sin and misery. He’s this kind of God who doesn’t look down at us in judgment, but he actually went down to be with us and to be judged for us himself, taking on the penalty of our sins on our behalf. This God is a rescuer, not a ridiculer.

So when my son asks, “If someone kills themself, will they be in heaven?” my answer isn’t a direct “no” or “yes,” but it’s, “In whom did this person believe and trust?” If the person was a Christian and they died by suicide, I have no reason to doubt that they are with Christ forever. That’s not even a question. Not even suicide can stop the precious and perfect body and blood of Jesus from giving us the full and complete forgiveness of all of our sins.